What happens when you Psychiatrist gaslights you?

I told my new Psychiatrist yesterday that I have no memories from childhood and without missing a beat he said “no one does” and that’s how you get gaslighted by the person who’s suspose to protect me.

Now I’ve added a new fantasy where I kill myself in his office in front of him with his own pen. It’s fuxking hell to be honest as these thoughts kept me up all night. But the terrible thing is that when I’m at my lowest my arm jerks and I make a stabbing motion to my throat. Currently I’m on 3 hits before I can get a handle on the motion. I’m scared but going back to the psych ward is worse than just suffering.